As narrated by Arshad:
I inhaled the strong taste of the cigarette quickly and impatiently. Burning between my fingers,right through to my soul. Blowing circles of smoke into the quietness of the night. And I was not alone.
Beside me, Riza , Nemo and Immy did the same. But in silence. None of us had anything to say yet the same thing was on all of our minds.
I could picture Aara’s tear stained face as Dr. Jamal sedated her…Hana’s soft cries that echoed inside my entire being, cries for the two people who were her world…and the face of my brother who had left this world. I had staggered too many times while burying Zoheb and something inside me had changed today, and I doubt that it would ever feel right again.
Just yesterday, the 5 of us were standing right here, talking, laughing..While the ladies busied themselves sorting biscuits and gifts. We were going to celebrate this Eid with a double happiness. It was Hana’s first Eid, and Nemo was also with us. We had planned such a great day and hoped to make beautiful memories. But what a memory it had left…
To be honest, we are such fools. We know that this worldly life is just temporary and we know that we will die…Every single one of us. Yet we lived like we had all the time in the world and we fought as though there was plenty of time to make up. ‘One day’, we say…’One day’ . But that that one day can be today is something that we shove under the carpet all the time.
I turned to face the house…Aara’s dream house that Zoheb had built for her…The house is still standing, but he is gone. Taking nothing except his deeds.
I pulled on my cigarette a little harder…
I pondered over my own life and it’s messy puddles. What will I take with me if I have to go tomorrow? What will I regret? What will I leave behind?
What will any of us leave behind?
I rubbed my temples vigorously, to try and subdue the migraine that threatened to burst through my brains. My life was in such a state. I smiled and pretended that everything was okay, but it was far from reality and had been so for a while now.
Where had I gone wrong? Where had we gone wrong?
“Did anyone inform his parents? ” , Immy asked suddenly, breaking the silence
“Yeah…They know ” , Riza said softly
But the how and when was never mentioned. What difference would it make anyway. In life they were never there for him….would they care in death?
The funny thing is that how we think we have it all figured out, a plan, schedules..but the Greatest Planner has a plan that we may not understand immediately, yet it is a reminder of how short our journey in this world is.
The question was the answer and the answer was the question.
My phone beeped, pulling me out of my thoughts..
“Take Adnaan home, I’m staying here tonight ”
And I replied as I usually did…
Our only form of civil communication for almost a year now. Inwardly that is.
Outwardly it was a glorious facade that was too good to be true. But the problem with the truth was, that it struck you like a dagger in your heart and it stayed there ,digging deeper with every passing second.
I carried my sleeping 3 year old son into his warm bed and made my way to mine.
My head was still buzzing. I looked over to the other side of the bed and ran my hand across it. Cold, as it had been for a long time now.
I closed my eyes in agony as Zoheb’s still and motionless face flashed before me. Today it was him, tomorrow it will be me.
Impulsively reaching towards my bedside table, I grabbed my phone and began my message…There was no tomorrow, it was now. THE TIME IS NOW.
“I’m not going through with it ”
I stared at this text message for a few minutes before I plucked up the courage to send it.
Not very long after, my phone flashed…1 new message
“Now is not the right time to discuss this ”
“Will there ever be a right time? “. ..I replied
“Arshad we spoke about this..I understand that you are emotional because of Zoheb but I don’t think that I’m changing my mind ”
“What happened today opened my eyes…I love you and I always will “. ..I replied quickly without hesitating
“Love is a four letter word that means nothing ”
I stared at my phone in disbelief…total and utter disbelief. How can she say this so candidly?????
A volcano of emotions erupted within me and I angrily tapped a reply. ..
“I AM NOT DOING IT! !”
I sprung out of bed, in tears and rummaged through her drawers until I found what I was looking for.
With an eagerness that I didn’t have before this moment, I closed my eyes and tore it to shreds. This piece of paper had no place in our lives.
I have been mentally preoccupied hence the lack of posts..*cringe*. Maybe it is also the lack of motivation that leaves me feeling a little stuck in a pot of Bostik! *sigh*
I also haven’t replied to so many comments *hide* I shall Insha Allah…
Thank you for them by the way, some of them way too direct but I loved it! And no, they aren’t the reason why I haven’t posted either;)
Keep it real!