As narrated by Arshad:
When something breaks it’s impossible to put it together in exactly the way that it was before. You may glue it together as much as you like , but the scars remain to remind you of what happened.
“But they are just there to show you what you’ve overcome, they are a constant reminder of what you’ve survived”…… I could almost hear Aara say as my mind momentarily drifted back years ago to when Nemo had cried his heart out in regret, during one of his relapses.
” Boss you have to be a little bit firm” , I could hear Nemo say as my mind jolted forward to two days ago…
I took a deep breath in and let it all out slowly…
“Is there another blanket? “, Zainab asked softly, not wanting to wake Adnaan
I looked at this double blanket folded neatly on the end of the double bed and shook my head.
It hurt. Alot.
” Nemo had a king size bed didn’t he? “, she asked, looking around
I nodded absentmindedly..
She was uncomfortable and so was I. Here is the woman who I love, who I married and had a child with , yet she was hesitating to share a blanket with me.
We settled into this small bed and tried to make do with a blanket that wasn’t big enough for both of us on either end of the bed.
“You know.. I didn’t want it to come down to this… “, she said softly and suddenly, ” but you’re moving on so quickly I guess I’m not entirely wrong”
“What are you talking about? ”
“Don’t act like you don’t know”, she said as she turned to face the other way and tugged a large part of the blanket leaving half of my body uncovered
” No really, what are you talking about??? ” , I asked irritatedly, tugging the blanket back towards me
“Will you stop it! ” , she argued, pulling the blanket back
“When you say something, say it completely, don’t say it halfway and expect me to understand it! ”
“Listen I’m not in the mood please can we just sleep! ”
“Yes ofcourse as always”
“And stop pulling the blanket will you! ”
The blanket war went on until I finally fell asleep and she obviously stole it all because when I woke up I was cold was Zainab was snuggled in it , the bottom part of it wrapped around her feet and her head covered too. She looked like she was in a cocoon! I always found it rather cute. I stared at her for a few long minutes, it was a very long time since the two of us shared a bed because for months she had chosen the couch in our bedroom…
I readied myself for fajr and shook her gently to wake up… Zainab had always been one of those dead sleepers!
“Baby five more minutes”, she smiled in her sleep and I froze
After a few seconds, she opened her eyes realizing what she had said, and looked down. I didn’t hold the eye lock with her that I always did whenever she would say that and instead walked away.
I prayed fervently, asking Allah to soften her heart and bring her back to me. I put up a brave non caring front but inside, all I was , was simple me. There was no second face to me and it bore down heavily upon my shoulders.
As I rolled up my musallah my phone beeped…
” Eating from one plate increases the love… And well, there is only one plate in the cupboard ” -Nemo
I shook my head and sighed. Phase two!
As narrated by Nemo:
Everyday I wake up with the same damn question. WHY????
Why could you not wait? Why did you give up on me? We were always together and I know that I was weaker, and you said that you loved me so how does that work???
How do you stop loving someone? How did you stop loving me? Why Aara why??
I know that I accepted it and I do wish you well but with each day, with each time that I see you lock your fingers in his, with every gaze that he steals , a piece of me seems to fall into the pits of the earth and I hate it. I hate feeling this way because it’s wrong. I hate it because it’s you. I hate it because I can’t control it but most of all… I hate that I hate you too.
The first letter that began the start of my healing journey. So much of regret, hate , pain… I had done what seemed the most sensible at the time. I had left. Removed myself from the source of the pain but she followed me everywhere that I went…
How could she not? She was a part of me, and how big a part, I didn’t know then….
I thought that moving away would be the breath of fresh air that I needed but I was wrong. If nothing else, it’s just much worse.
I miss you alot and I don’t know how to cope. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t wish that I could turn back the hands of time and just tell you. If I could just tell you. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would have had a chance.
Every day is an effort, a torture, a further downslide into a hollow that seems to have no end. I wish that you could come in front of me again and tell me that this was all just a dream…
I don’t know what to do.
Iftekaar, the guy who was helping me try and deal with my emotional baggage stroked his chin while he read the last bit of my letter. He was equally puzzled. It’s been six months that I have been at it with this writing and I doubt thay I had made any improvement at all.
Please stop calling me. I cannot bear hearing your voice.
She had called and called and I had no choice but to finally answer. And she scolded me and fought with me about my lack of virtual presence. While she spoke, all I could picture was all the times that we had fought and bickered and it chucked whatever progress I had made out the window.
I stopped writing and threw myself into my work.
Until Laeeka called.
No more scratching that .😊
Snow generally makes everything that it doesn’t cover and sometimes everything that it covers, stand out.
Today was the first time that I saw the snow stand out. And it stood out because you were in the picture.
It was nice to see you again. To see that some things don’t change, to see that life is treating you well . I’m very happy for you.
It’s amazing how someone’s presence can instantly close a wound. Like some sort of finality even though our worlds are separate now.
Seeing all of you brought back good memories that I had locked away in these past three years and I miss all of you more than even I know.
I smiled thinking about that day… And what a day it was…
I am making salad. Yes, salad. I read somewhere that it’s quite therapeutic and I know that had you been here you would have devoured it! What is it with women and salad anyway??
Lol.. I actually laughed again. Been doing that a lot since I left Istanbul.
Hope to see you and dabloo pabloo soon.. Lol!
Ps: No more underdog feelings, it had to be him because he is the best man for you.
Lots of Smiles,
“It’s good to see you again, you know”, Zoheb smiled, “Nothing is quite the same without you Nemo”
I nodded and carried on pulling on my cigarette.
“We can’t always understand life and sometimes it does get a bit much but we should also remember that we have no idea how long we’re going to live “, he continued softly as though he wasn’t sure if he should say his next words or not…”so live like it’s your last day, even if it hurts like hell”
My heart stopped for a moment. Was it that obvious??? Were my feelings that visible??Have I been that dumb???
“You can deny it, I can pretend that it’s not there but will it change anything..nope”
I revved harder on my cigarette, afraid to look up at him. Guilt began to fill my veins…
“I don’t know how”, I whispered
Zoheb smiled at me, lifted his finger , and pointed upwards
“Talk to Him, ask Him…he will piece your heart together, no matter how many pieces it’s broken into”
Tears stung my eyes and I looked down harder to try and force them away.
” We are often reminded that we will be faced with tests in life and that everything happens for a reason, this is a test too Nemo…and I know that you can pass it. You are one of those people who when you meet them, you know that they are destined for greatness and it doesn’t have to mean world famous greatness…but greatness of character, a kind soul, a one in a million friend, a one in a million brother. Someone that you look forward to meeting, someone who’s goodness you would want rubbed off onto your children..”
A tear fell from my eye onto the icy cold snow under our shoes, but I still didn’t look up…
“Rise Nemo…I know that you can do it, I know that we can all count on you and believe me we are, because you are the soul of our group…life, love and destiny are things that are out of our control and even though it may seem that we may currently have no purpose, we do, in the greater image of things, in the greater picture of life, we have a purpose and our time will come where we have to measure up and take responsibility..we need to be strong when it’s our time to shine”
A few more tears fell, and I still didn’t look up…
“I am nobody to judge you or be angry with you, at the end of it all you are my brother because Aara didn’t enter my life alone, you did too”
*End of Flashback*
Tears now fell uncontrollably from my eyes as I remembered his words. Everyone offered me their shoulder in different ways, kind words, invites etc. But no one got straight to the point and acknowledged the difficulty aloud. Maybe they were scared or felt bad.
I never would have thought that I’d hear it from the mouth of the man who married the woman that we both loved, and coming from him made it ever so clear to me that my best friend had indeed married the best man. He held no ill feelings towards me, and instead offered words that I will remember for the rest of my life. Words that motivated me and gave me a reason to go back to Detroit with a new outlook on life. Words that changed me, words that made me turn to my Creator even more than I already did.
Zoheb was right, no matter what happened, no matter what went wrong or right, no matter if things looked bleak and miserable, no mater if sadness outweighed happiness right now, no matter what…live like it’s your last day, even if it hurts like hell because life was too short…and that redemption was not a burden…it’s an opportunity to make things right, make it better than it is. It’s an opportunity to cleanse your soul, to find peace. It was an opportunity to live again…
Sorry…wifi issues last night, hence no post
One more post (which i hope to write today) and then it’s a wrap up until Eid…